the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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