i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
