I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
