A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
is wine microwaveable?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
