can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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