On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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