Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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