I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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