If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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