Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
