Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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