Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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