Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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