The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
