Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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