he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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