the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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