I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
