It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
