Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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