you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
