I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
