apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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