can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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