Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
