my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
