Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
