Where did you get a picture of my penis
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
