I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
