I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
