I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Randomize
