How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
