someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
