somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
