I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
