We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
