end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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