nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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