I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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