you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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