My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
