i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
