im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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