I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Sorry about my life...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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