never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
