A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I cockslap morals
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
