theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize