Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
This can only be settled by a dance off.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
