so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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