So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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