Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
