I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
