I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My ATM looks so different sober.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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