apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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