"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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