im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
