i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
