Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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