everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
