I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
