is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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